she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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