you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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