She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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