The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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