I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
