Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
