I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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