Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
