pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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