If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
