AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
