so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
