Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
