using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
