She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
