your parents love me but you hate me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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