I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
