I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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