What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
