oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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