Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
did i just pee glitter
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
