remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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