id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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