Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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