this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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