Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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