guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
