I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
