You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
