I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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