You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
