i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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