I puked a lego.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I did not marry a roomba.
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