is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
