thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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