Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
