i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
