who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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