I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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