I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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