never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
