I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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