im drinking this country out of the recession.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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