My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
