there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i believe in u and ur pee
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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