omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you didnt know i had herpes?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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