I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
