please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
