no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
my poor anus
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
