M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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